Perhaps

January 28, 2015 § 3 Comments

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I woke up today feeling so terrible. At first, I wasn’t sure why. Perhaps because one of my friends recently passed away. Or perhaps, because I can’t seem to decide what I really want to do with my life at this point. Perhaps I feel rejected. Perhaps I’m going through some personal issues, what they call quarter-life crisis.. Could that be it? This kind of feeling manifests itself like twice, or thrice a year. My initial reaction is always this: I curl up into this tiny ball of grief. I cry a little, laugh a little, then think, think and think. I try to go back to sleep and when I can’t, try as I might, i do stuff, just because. There’s no purpose, that’s what it feels like whenever I feel this way. Maybe the schizophrenic in me starts crawling in again. Lol.

While I was walking on my way to work today, a thought struck me. Suddenly, I was thinking the unthinkable. What makes it worse is that I am entertaining these terrible thoughts. I convinced myself that I am simply overreacting. Perhaps I am.

Right at this moment, I just want to be alone, feel alone, think alone and decide alone. I value my solitude. I always did. I need to think things through alone, and I need to feel alone. But something tells me that that is not right. Maybe it is not. But it is never wrong to feel lonely sometimes– it gives you that feeling that you will miss someone eventually. It is never wrong to be selfish sometimes. So that you can make more important sacrifices in this life. And sometimes, you need to feel weak to understand how important it is to get back up on your feet again.

I hate what I am feeling right now. I can’t help but hurt the people closest to me by acting out this terrible feeling. Nobody needs this shit

When I was in the train, I wanted the fucking glass door to disappear so I could jump out, into the traffic of lights down below.

Perhaps, I could still fake this.

Perhaps I am just this attention-fucking-whore.

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