Hope

But somewhere out there.. there we are, holding each others’ hands.. we, marveling about how they perfectly fit together the way my heart fits perfectly inside your chest cavity and yours in mine, so perfect we could swap hearts and the difference would be hardly noticeable.

She walked down that path. They were meeting for the first time. She was ruminating about how many times she’d been doing this.. meeting people for the first time. Meeting a friend for the first time. How people would start as strangers completely clueless about what they were like when they were younger, clueless about what time they were born in this world, hmmm she doesn’t even know when exactly she came to this world.. completely clueless of the quirks that they were hiding from other people.. and suddenly they are friends and that is just so mind-blowing, don’t you think? Like we are such social animals and can’t leave each other alone.

So why can’t we leave each other alone?

I. Couldn’t. Get. Enough. Of. You.

He was wearing a polo shirt and she was thinking that they could be perfect together because why not?

You. You told me things. Like how you like to do lots of things. Like you’re some sort of a jack of all trades but a master of none. And I believed you and I had come to know that that is true.

You told me things. About you. And I just wanted to know more.

So why couldn’t we leave each other alone?

Somewhere out there are people loving for the first time, breaking up for the first time. Or maybe for the last time but what I have in me is hope. Hope that there are beautiful days to come. That this is just a hiccup, a major hiccup, but a hiccup nonetheless. Nothing that can’t be fixed. Somewhere out there are all the other possibilities. Thousands, endless, so many possibilitues — and yes that’s a typo cause I’m writing way too fast—the world couldn’t hold them, the last ones remain floating in the Galaxy. You, perfectly fine, alone.. nothing and no one to worry about except for yourself.. You finding someone else better than I am.. I, finding someone who shares my interests and quirks and dreams in life. But somewhere out there.. there we are, holding each others’ hands.. we marveling about how they perfectly fit together the way my heart fits perfectly inside your chest cavity and yours in mine, so perfect we could swap hearts and the difference would be hardly noticeable.

Sometimes, I worried a lot. I worried about that time when I thought I had disappointed you. I would obsess about it the whole time. It would lurk inside my head, like a ghost on my hindsight, waiting to present itself.

I would worry about not remembering that feeling of excitement the first time I met you. That giddy feeling that I never want to forget. You had that smile on your eyes, you had that look on your lips and I knew right then that you were going to kiss me on the cheek. You did. And I couldn’t take my eyes off you.

I never told you, but I was worried shit that day we first met. I have never been on a date with someone I was meeting for the first time. I swear I wanted to un-send the sms I sent you. You must know by now that I am not one to think things through. I make decisions in a spur of a second and I know that that is bad but that day, when I decided to see you, it was the best in-the-moment decision I have ever made. Never, ever, even at this point am I regretting that.

Everytime you talk about the universe conspiring against us, I laughed at you and teased you for assuming that you were the most unfortunate man in the universe. Because you weren’t. Know that even the best among us are passed up by luck (or the equivalent of that) because nothing in this world is good enough without all of these imperfections. You are lucky because, to me, you are perfect with all of your imperfections and I know that’s cliche but I speak the truth.

Oftentimes, I wonder why I hadn’t met you early on, why you hadn’t showed up when we were still in college. It would’ve been perfect. Proximity happens by chance, by coincidence. But, in our case, you made it possible. You said you weren’t able to resist me and the distance between us. You said, “I know I had to cross it, and the sooner the better so that I may know if you wanted me as well.” Of course, I did. Still do. Want you. Love you.

That book, the first one you gave me is about memories. Some of these memories won’t go away. I have mine, too. Words cannot be unsaid and actions cannot come undone. But we can utter more loving words and do thoughtful actions and make new memories. Yes, even at this point. Happy ones, preferably, so that we won’t be rattled when the past tries to catch up with us.

I look stupid here but I love you. While you are asleep, I love you. And by the time you wake up, be reminded again that I love you.

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