I hope.

My phone is sitting right there, taunting me, laughing behind my back. It has done that numerous times since that last time. It knows that I wanted to pick it up and dial his number and say, hello how are you where are you now

and I hope you are doing just fine and that you are happy because when you are happy and when you smile, your eyes disappear and you look half-Chinese, half-Korean and I feel happy just seeing your eyes disappear like that and I hope you have a new girlfriend because I know you easily get bored and you don’t have a lot of friends and it would suck if you are all alone, no friends, no girlfriend, no nothing, all holed up inside your room playing online games, or on your XBox or iPad and I hope you have stopped smoking a pack of Lights everyday because it makes your breath smell weird and it doesn’t really bother me that much it’s just that you need to take care of your health I mean my Dad used to smoke a lot just like you and look what happened to him and I hope you have toned down your alcohol because drinking too much is just.. too much and you don’t need too much in your body you only need just enough and do you have a job now because I hope you do I mean everyone needs a job or jobs even the nouveau riche but not the old money because they need nary lift a finger to eat their grapes but oh well you need two fingers to eat a grape but man you’ve always dreamed about making it big someday and that we’re gonna be rich together and travel the world and have twelve kids with two nannies each but I won’t put my dime to be THAT kind of rich I want to be rich in memories and I just want to travel and explore the world with a backpack and do extreme activities and taste different delicacies from all over the planet but I know I would tire one day of all that adventure and I will eventually buy a farm and raise cattle and birds and plant fruit seeds and grains and I will eat what I read and sow and you always laughed at me and tell me babe I can’t live in a farm that’s kinda old school and I am too contemporary to live that way and you kiss my forehead and the tip of my nose and the tip of my chin and the tip of my.. okay let’s not talk about that because it will make me miss you and I don’t wanna miss you and I don’t miss you right now I am just really wondering where you are at because I haven’t heard from you for quite a while now I mean I told you not to call me again and I told you that several times before, before that last time but you always called because you said you couldn’t help it like if I tie your hands up and tie you on the bed and leave you all alone you will find a way to untie the knots so you could get on the phone and dial my number and call me, and yeah, before, you always called me despite my insistence to never communicate with me again and I always picked up the phone after the second missed call and I would realize that daaaamn I missed that husky voice and I would pretend to scold you why are you calling when I told you not to and you said well you always pick up after the third try and we would laugh and we would be okay again.

It stopped though. Because you decided to take my plea seriously this time. Though I am not sure if I want that.

I hope you are okay. I hope you don’t miss me. I hope you are happy, wherever you are. Where have you gone to? I haven’t heard from you since that last time, when I told you to stop calling.

My phone is sitting right there inside that lockbox on my desk and it’s like a few feet away and it’s turned off. I have to keep it locked up just in case my right hand betrays me.

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8 thoughts on “I hope.

  1. I won’t be surprised if you’d get that phone call one of these days. It will make your world spin in ways you thought were improbable, even for a while, but I suspect it will last for some time. We are creatures of our memories, and when people vanish a void will always be there, deny as we might. Absence is too strong a force to muffle. When it hits us, there’s little we can do. Except, perhaps, to write it down. 🙂

    1. You never know. The more you hide, the more you’ll be stunned, rendered speechless, when he finds you again. By then, his effort alone will make it too difficult for you to ignore him. I think it all boils down to this: you want him to find you again. 🙂

  2. Haha! Ok, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve heard of a fairly similar case. A friend of mine used to be in the same situation as yours. 🙂

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