I want to run. Fast and far. He is me and I am him and I suppose it is hard to run away from yourself.

I did it.

You know why I did it? Because it was the only thing left for me to do. I was stuck in a vicious cycle with him and I knew, always knew it had to end.

But what always stopped me from doing it before? I wanted to win. I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted for it to work out. Fairy tales are impossible and happy endings don’t always come in one piece and not everyone gets their happy ending and life is unfair and some people who deserve happy endings don’t get them and some who don’t, do.

I wanted to prove that my choices were right. That choosing him was the right thing despite of my friends’ protests. “He’s no good for you.” “We don’t want him for you.” “He’ll break you over and over again.” And he was. And they certainly didn’t. And he did. I put up a good fight every single time but no matter how good it was, I ended up losing him. I gave up. Not because I was tired, but because he wanted out though he never told me that but I knew. And he was being a gentleman. Somewhat. He had to give me the chance to end it and so I took that chance. I thought it would hurt. Well it did hurt at a certain scale. Rating it from one up to ten, one being the least hurt felt, I’d rate it a three. Yes, he was really the only one I’ve ever loved. You know that great love. But we’d come to a certain point when love was no longer enough. I knew he loved me. Until now, I know he does. I still love him. But love is a strange thing. It transforms. It twists. It adapts into a different form. I can not even recognize the form it had morphed into but all I know is that I still love him somehow.
But I need to be kind to myself, spare myself of the drama.

He’s back. I don’t know how and I don’t know why and I just want to run. Far and fast. He is me and I am him and I suppose it is hard to run away from yourself.


18 thoughts on “Relapse.

      1. My boyfriend and I have had bad fights before that are just downright ugly. But we can’t ever leave each other. We love each other and we know that we both would be making the biggest mistakes of our lives if we let each other go because it’s love. Some things are really worth the struggle.

      2. I used to think that, too. Waay before.. I was all ‘I can’t live without him’ ‘can’t break up with him’ But now.. I dunno. The cycle needs to go down the drain I think. Oh shit. πŸ˜”

      3. No. Quite the contrary. It’s like a drug, you know? If you continue the addiction, it’ll just harm you. The comeback is always worse than before. Might as well check into rehab. 😳

      4. No thank you. We used to not work and we figured out recently that it was how we were communicating with each other. I would try everything possible before letting go of someone you love.

      5. I’ve only been with my boyfriend for three years. So I don’t have a lot of experience. I just always want couples to work out. Especially ones that still love each other. But if you’re not happy you’re not happy.

  1. I’m not sure if it is love, or if it still is, though I’m inclined to say it’s more of tolerated presence, or absence, whichever fits the bill. He’s there but you’re not there, and for you it’s fine, normal, like breathing. He’s not there but you’re there, the same thing. It takes a great deal of mutual familiarity for this tolerated presence, or absence, to take a lesser (though not insignificant) role in your lives.

    1. Sigh. I don’t want this. Freaking unfair to come back after a freaking long absence demanding a freaking chance. Sorry for the freaking’s. I’m not mad at you. Just really freaking freaking out. 😝

  2. Quid pro quo. The most that you can do at this point is to demand something of equal measure. No free lunch. The least you can do is to ignore his demand, which I think is difficult for you to do, though not impossible.

    1. Okay. Thanks. I just don’t know. I’ll fall apart this time if I give in and it doesn’t work out. But what’s new, I always fall apart big time, everytime. Should be getting used to it. 😝

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