I want to run. Fast and far. He is me and I am him and I suppose it is hard to run away from yourself.
I did it.
You know why I did it? Because it was the only thing left for me to do. I was stuck in a vicious cycle with him and I knew, always knew it had to end.
But what always stopped me from doing it before? I wanted to win. I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted for it to work out. Fairy tales are impossible and happy endings don’t always come in one piece and not everyone gets their happy ending and life is unfair and some people who deserve happy endings don’t get them and some who don’t, do.
I wanted to prove that my choices were right. That choosing him was the right thing despite of my friends’ protests. “He’s no good for you.” “We don’t want him for you.” “He’ll break you over and over again.” And he was. And they certainly didn’t. And he did. I put up a good fight every single time but no matter how good it was, I ended up losing him. I gave up. Not because I was tired, but because he wanted out though he never told me that but I knew. And he was being a gentleman. Somewhat. He had to give me the chance to end it and so I took that chance. I thought it would hurt. Well it did hurt at a certain scale. Rating it from one up to ten, one being the least hurt felt, I’d rate it a three. Yes, he was really the only one I’ve ever loved. You know that great love. But we’d come to a certain point when love was no longer enough. I knew he loved me. Until now, I know he does. I still love him. But love is a strange thing. It transforms. It twists. It adapts into a different form. I can not even recognize the form it had morphed into but all I know is that I still love him somehow.
But I need to be kind to myself, spare myself of the drama.
He’s back. I don’t know how and I don’t know why and I just want to run. Far and fast. He is me and I am him and I suppose it is hard to run away from yourself.