My ex-boyfriend cheated on me.
It’s beyond bad because I didn’t see it coming, he’s the first guy I loved and sacrificed things for (including a big career decision), first boyfriend I introduced to my family, first guy I literally lived with even when it is against my moral principles to live with a guy outside marriage. He’s also the type of guy who seemed too nice, too smart to do mundane things such as cheating. What’s worse than that is that the girl he cheated with was also in a relationship at the time they started fooling around. Crazy, right? Shit happens. At least I wasn’t alone if that’s any consolation.
So how do you define cheating? Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean having sex or any other form of physical encounter with someone other than your partner. It’s simply doing stuff that makes you feel guilty or, if you’re heartless, supposed to make you feel guilty afterwards. The act of entertaining someone else beyond the ‘boundaries of friendship’ is cheating. I have no idea if they ever did the deed while we were still together but I do know for sure that the girl felt very very guilty resulting to her getting confined to a hospital (perhaps to get checked for STD or who-knows-what lol I couldn’t care less). I also know for sure that my ex accompanied the girl on at least one of her gigs while we were still together.
Our relationship was on the rocks, I knew that. We were trying to work it out and none of the two of us were really doing mind-blowing efforts, but I can not simply comprehend how hard it is to just tell the truth and walk away rather than cheating. Telling a girl that it’s up to her if she wants to break up or not when he knew what he was doing behind her back. Just thinking about that right now, it kinda means that I was ‘alone’ in the relationship because he imposed it on me to decide on it alone which is really dumb. That’s why people in relationships are called ‘couples’, both should decide on things together.
Sure he mentioned that there’s a girl he liked a couple of weeks after I moved out but his choice of words was quite insulting. He didn’t simply LIKE someone. More like fooled around with someone behind my back. And I’m not even sure if he would tell me about it if he didn’t know that I had to come to know about what he did.
Finding out about what he did was a surprise. And it was weeks after we broke up and I moved out. His odd behaviours started to make sense—like how he changed our couple profile picture, how he started guarding his phone’s screen protectively even when I wasn’t even trying to look. Activating secret conversations on Messenger, like only people up to no good do that it’s so dumb not to think that a girl won’t suspect. Or his disinterest to hear me gushing about my travels. I was too trusting and naive to not notice that the girl in question has been liking and commenting on his Instagram posts on a regular basis. That she has been writing cryptic posts about him obviously trying to channel her desires and at the same time obscure them.
The word ‘nice’ or ‘mabait’ is the last thing that would ever come to my mind about someone who is also a woman like me, who knows the depth of another woman’s emotions, who knew that this guy was practically married to a girl for years sans the papers yet decided to pursue him stealthily anyway right under another girl’s nose. Nice is not the right adjective to describe a girl who cheated on her boyfriend at the time with another guy who also cheated on his girlfriend at the time. There’s nothing nice about that. Nice is the wrong word for a girl who boldly teases someone’s boyfriend that he has a crush on her. Nice is not a word for a girl who blatantly proclaims her love for Jesus while being aware that she has wronged at least two people. And that’s how he described her. Nice.
In retrospect, I guess I was not entirely clueless that my relationship with my ex was coming to an end because I’ve been so bored of our relationship for so long and I wasn’t really trying hard to bring the sparks back. I had my fair share of misgivings. I’d wanted to break up several times prior but held back because I didn’t want us to end, I’d gone too comfortable with him. But I’m not gonna make this my FAULT because this.. this is my truth. Perhaps these cheaters have their own versions of truth but one thing I am certain of is this: nobody deserves to be cheated on. People should come out clean from the very start, lay out their truths because either way it’s always gonna hurt but I believe that telling the truth will hurt less, the duration even lesser. Perhaps I wouldn’t be writing this had he told me the truth right from the start rather than babbling things like ‘I just want to be alone’ or ‘I’m tired of other people’s expectations’. Just save it. Say ‘let’s break up because if we won’t I will cheat on you..’ Like, man it up! And he knew that I was the type of girl who always prefers the truth, who speaks out even when her words hurt.
Am I bitter? I don’t really know. The complexity of human emotions prevents me from understanding what exactly I feel at different points in time. Mostly, I am happy or in love or just chillin’ but sometimes the bad stuff would hit me too hard without warning. I guess moving on or forgiveness from something or someone must take more than months or years or perhaps for the rest of someone’s life (I hope not). I’m not even sure if the forgiveness process has begun because no one asked for forgiveness, I didn’t even hear the word ‘sorry’.
Why am I writing this? I don’t know, perhaps to let it all out?
But good things really do come out after the bad. Like I was able to rid myself of a guy who was too afraid to get an office job because he must be innately aware that he’s too easily tempted. I’d always wanted to find out if he would cheat when surrounded by other girls in the workplace setting so I persistently asked him to get a real job that at the same time pays the bills (I wasn’t about to shoulder the rent and expenses alone).
One of my friends asked me why I didn’t fight for my relationship. I told her there’s really nothing left to fight for because no sane girl would try to keep a man not worth fighting for. You forgive a guy who cheated on you once, he’ll likely do it again. Or he won’t. Either way, I’ll be one paranoid loser.